I fear that we have reached a certain point in the semester. You might have seen it coming, or you might have been so blinded by my encouraging smiles that it will leave you scarred and trembling beneath your desks, unable to complete your midterm papers. Those of you who've had me before, however, you know what's happened: We're at the point where I turn from a kind, cheerful, helpful teacher to an imperious bitch who hates your wretched, slimy, excuse-generating guts.*
To the student who's two and a half weeks late handing in a form:
What the hell is your problem? I see that you read my emails--the shiny red about-to-explode-with-urgency emails, the emails that tell you to PLEASE email me because I CAN HELP YOU with whatever is holding up this process. WTF? Why aren't you answering them? What is the problem, nutso? Don't you realize that not replying to me is absolutely the worst thing that you can do in this situation? You can't avoid me. I direct this program. Answer my goddamn emails al-fucking-ready.
To the slacker who sent me several emails asking for unreasonable extensions, and who replied to my lengthy explanation of why those extensions were unreasonable with a terse, "I'm sorry that my requests upset you,"
Good lord. You didn't "upset" me. You irritated me, and your sense of cheerful entitlement was rather perplexing, but I'm not "upset." Now, of course, I am a little more irritated than I was previously, so perhaps that will make you feel better? Anyway, as I clearly stated, you had plenty of time to do these assignments--and maybe if you gave me any indication that you had even acquired the books for this (literature!!!) class, I'd be more disposed to help you out.
To the 90% of my composition class who is not currently in the "A"-range,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, READ THE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT SHEET. How can you complete an assignment if you don't know what it is? What the hell are you writing in your drafts, anyway? And here's a tip: If I say in the prompt that you cannot use websites as sources, then you can be pretty confident that I won't accept websites as sources. Who do you think grades these papers, anyway? What's your damage? Jesus! I write out a full page (longer than most of your actual papers, btw) explaining how to complete the assignment, and all indications suggest that fewer than half of you even get through the first paragraph. My prose isn't that tortured. You can do it. One page! READ IT!!!!
And, as a special bonus, let's excoriate IT while we're at it! Dear IT,
What have you done to my webmail? Why is it so slow? It makes me want to kill myself. Really. If I am found dead, it will be your fault. I hate everything. And you did this to me.
Most of you are fine, really. But if you want to take any of these characters outside for a little beat-down, be my guest.
*I don't, actually. In case a reminder was needed. But this is the point where I get pretty damn irritated, and I fear that my carefully polite emails to students might reveal the rage that I, in my careful wording, am working so hard to conceal. Here, however, in the interest of therapy, I am writing the emails that I would really, truly like to send (but I'm pretty sure that I'd regret it in the morning).