Sunday, March 9, 2008

Drained

I just got back from the Other Side. I have some pictures and things that I'll post later--it was a great trip on the whole--but right now I'm feeling, as the title suggests, drained.

I'm exhausted, of course, since I'm in a time zone that's 13 hours ahead of this one and I have to teach at 9 am tomorrow. But the drainage is primarily emotional.

There was a lot of serious talking over the last few days of my trip and, while I'm not going to get into the details and nothing really traumatic is going on, none of it made me look forward to coming back here. In fact, I spent most of my layover in Big Nearby Airport on the verge of tears. Because I don't want to be here. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I have never felt any real delight at the fact that I now have a tenure-track job at this school. Any. And I don't think that that's entirely the school's fault. It's just that I'm filled with resentment--in an undirected, targetless way--at how much this profession is asking me to give up, and at how very much I stand to lose. I may well lose a lot to this career, such as it is. And I don't know that it's worth it.

It's hard to know what to do when a success feels like a failure.

I'll feel better in a day or two, I know. But right now things are just kind of rough.

8 comments:

Sisyphus said...

Oh no! Is this long-distance-relationship stuff?

Hugs and well wishes!

medieval woman said...

Oh, Heu - I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! It sounds like you have tons of stuff - emotional and physical (in terms of flying for so long) - that you're dealing with. It's a very apt description - "success feels like a failure" - and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Will you go out on the market next year?

Thinking about you...

((Heu Mihi))

Maude Lebowski said...

all i have to offer are hugs.

((((((((((heu mihi))))))))))

squadratomagico said...

I'm so sorry... more hugs coming to you from my way:

(((((heu mihi!))))

Hilaire said...

And still more hugs to you. I'm so sorry. And I know exactly what you mean about the loss.

What Now? said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure part of it is sheer physical exhaustion, but I hear ya on the not being really able to be happy about the t-t job. Sympathies and blessings to you.

heu mihi said...

Thanks, everyone. And yeah, Sis, it's mostly about the long-distance relationship--which isn't over or anything, and the feelings are all still there and unchanged, but we've/I've been trying to come to terms with the reality of the situation. We both have complex careers ahead of us that will probably involve a lot of moving around, and it's not clear when--if ever--we'll be able to get ourselves into the same place.

So that sucks.

Belle said...

Not that it'll help, but it isn't restricted to academia, the divided lives/sacrifices thing. Long before I was an academic, I lived apart from my husband. His job required him to spend a lot of time on temporary assignments. It was common throughout his field/industry, which was notoriously rough on marriages and relationships. We were the only people we knew on first marriages. And we didn't make it.

All that moving around kept me from finding any satisfying work, much less a career. Lots of resentment on both sides. So that's my two cents.

Hope you're feeling better.