I just got back from the Other Side. I have some pictures and things that I'll post later--it was a great trip on the whole--but right now I'm feeling, as the title suggests, drained.
I'm exhausted, of course, since I'm in a time zone that's 13 hours ahead of this one and I have to teach at 9 am tomorrow. But the drainage is primarily emotional.
There was a lot of serious talking over the last few days of my trip and, while I'm not going to get into the details and nothing really traumatic is going on, none of it made me look forward to coming back here. In fact, I spent most of my layover in Big Nearby Airport on the verge of tears. Because I don't want to be here. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, I have never felt any real delight at the fact that I now have a tenure-track job at this school. Any. And I don't think that that's entirely the school's fault. It's just that I'm filled with resentment--in an undirected, targetless way--at how much this profession is asking me to give up, and at how very much I stand to lose. I may well lose a lot to this career, such as it is. And I don't know that it's worth it.
It's hard to know what to do when a success feels like a failure.
I'll feel better in a day or two, I know. But right now things are just kind of rough.