Addendum

Well, that was about the most self-indulgent post ever. I'm already slightly embarrassed. But I will not delete it, for reasons of my own. (Actually, the chief reason is that I post so infrequently that I am loath to delete anything that I do get around to posting.)

Anyway, after I wrote it, it occurred to me that the situation is this: If one wants this to be a better school, the kind of school where one is really excited to teach, one must do a lot of the work oneself to make it that way. (I just taught Pale Fire, and I think that I shall use "one" to refer to myself henceforth, at least sometimes.) Because we're so small, individual faculty can make a real difference here.

This is both empowering and debilitating.

Empowering, obviously, because if I want to strengthen the Honors program, I can pretty easily do things to make it stronger. Like setting up a recruitment campaign with automated letter-production through Admissions, putting together a new brochure, setting up a website, organizing new events for Honors students, attending a conference for Honors program administrators this weekend, considering ways of building in study-abroad opportunities for the students (contingent upon funding), more closely monitoring Honors seminars, etc.

Debilitating, obviously, because to do any one of those things, I have to do it. There is no one else.

I could just not care, and go home and do my research, only putting the minimum into service, but a) I would not get tenure, and b) I would hate--or at least resent--my job. Getting invested in the college makes me happier in my work. But it also very much limits what that work can look like.

So maybe what I need to do, here--in fact, obviously what I need to do--is to not feel guilty when I don't write. And to write when I can and want to write, and to apply for everything that might free up some time to write, and not to take on service obligations that I don't care about.

Because the idea of making this a better school? Well, that's pretty exciting.

(There. A more optimistic way of looking at things. But it's not just spin; I think that this is what's really going on, and how I'm somehow even busier than I was in my first year.)

Aggravation, oh aggravation,* I am so tired

I skipped a talk tonight that TM has to go to (it being on a topic that marginally relates to religion) so that I could stay home and prep for tomorrow's seminar, during which I'll be observed by a senior colleague. (For the record, may I say that this will be my third observation in a week???)

And yet, I just discovered that the flash drive on which my prep notes (I was so proud of myself for starting this while I was still on campus!) is still stuck in my office computer.

Bleah. I can take a few more notes, I guess, but will have to drag my ass into the office early AGAIN tomorrow to finish up before my 9am meeting with a student who wants to ask me questions about a scholarship I know nothing about. Is it likely that I will research the scholarship before we meet? No. Is it likely that this student--who is quite a smart and lovely person, don't get me wrong--will nonetheless manage to hang out in my office for the better part of an hour? Yes. Yes, it is.

Might I also report, for the record, that I spent two hours watching teacher ed presentations today, and will spend two hours doing so tomorrow, and next Monday, and next Tuesday? And might I also report that these presentations are all variations on the Children Are Our Future theme? Which is intolerable and makes me want to kill myself? Truly?

Even so, I am feeling moderately guilty for skipping the talk when now I can't really do my prep anyway. Luckily, I have plenty of grading to do, so there's no fear of idle hands in this house!

I want to go to bed.

*I know that Dr. Virago hates the misuse of this word, the proper meaning of which I only learned courtesy of her blog. But I think that this post can legitimately claim to be about the heaping up of exhausting burdens, and thus I will retain it as a significant part of the title.