Sunday, April 1, 2007

Could it be I'm...nervous?

So I couldn't sleep last night. Almost literally. I slept from about 1 to 2, then my chumpy downstairs neighbors (ha ha--I wrote "neighboors," entirely by accident) came tromping home with a bunch of their chumpy friends, and started living it up on the 2nd floor. At 2:30, I decided that the pumping reggae was really too much, and went down there to complain. I didn't have to complain, actually; the guy opened the door, saw me, said "Oh, too loud? Sorry, sorry, no problem, we'll turn it down." Still, I finally got to reveal my grumpy-old-lady colors, and that was satisfying: I've been dreaming of that moment since they moved in last fall.

Anyway. I went back to bed, but still couldn't sleep. The hours ticked by. At 4:30, I was bored and cross and got up to go knit for a while, thinking that that would soothe me. After a bit, I thought that I might as well do something productive, and worked on my defense until the sun came up. I went back to bed at 6:30, slept from about 7:30-9, and then managed to sleep again from maybe 10:45-12:15. So that's, what, 4 hours total?

I mean what the hell? I haven't been insomniac in a long time. My first year of grad school was peppered with nights like this, and they were a lot more dangerous back then, when I had so very much work and actual classes to get to. And you know the thing where the harder it is to fall asleep, the higher the stakes get? So when I'd go to bed after 2 consecutive insomniac nights, I'd be so afraid of not getting enough sleep that I'd find myself incapable of sleep. It was awful.

I feel a little bit nervous about the defense tomorrow, obviously. But not terribly worried--certainly not consciously so. Evidently, however, all is not peace and sunshine in my psyche.

--But how worried can I be, really, when it's 1pm, I've been up for 45 minutes, and I haven't started working yet? Okay. Time to get down to business. 24 hours until The Spectacle begins (and I'm hoping to get to yoga this afternoon, so time is short!).

ETA: Okay, I'm obviously nervous. I just practiced my spiel and found my body engaging in its Relatively Benign Manifestation of Anxiety (i.e. I'll need to wear my stronger deodorant). Funny how the body knows what the mind ignores, isn't it?


squadratomagico said...

You do know that your committee would not allow you to defend if they weren't planning on passing you, right? Chances are, they'll mainly spend time discussing different avenues for you to consider when turning it into a book. My experience with these things -- both as a defender and, in the time since, as an examiner on two committees -- is that they are very forward-looking.

Phul Devi said...

Oh, and I forgot: Great good luck to you!

heu mihi said...

Oh yeah, I know (knew, because now it's OVER) that they'd pass me, but I still felt nervous.... Anxiety about public presentations is something I've never quite managed to rationalize away!

Phul Devi said...


Let the Messianic complex phase begin!