Monday, May 26, 2014

Unsettled (starting Week Three)

I always feel a little unsettled when I'm writing. I'm a quick writer--I can produce text at lightning speed--and I mostly enjoy revising; I'm very much a process writer, so revising is where I usually figure out what my real argument is.

The unsettled feeling doesn't come from the fact that my arguments take a while to develop, though. Well, maybe it does, in a way: As I write/revise/think over what I've written, I shuttle back and forth between thinking that I've got a great idea, what a brilliant sentence that is, I'm so productive and a dreadful fear that I'm arguing the obvious and/or someone else has certainly already made this exact same argument, and I'm too ignorant in my very own field to know it.

Impostor syndrome persists into tenure, and the only way forward is to ignore the voices and write the next damn book.

I did pretty well with last week's list. I bound Bonaventure's book (pictures to follow iff [that's if-and-only-if] I take and then download them), went to a yoga class (the first one I've been to in Field State that really kicked my ass! And, um, inspired me spiritually, etc.), read through my chapter and identified the next big thing to work on there, made sure that at least the skeleton of my argument is present in the chapter, finished a book that probably isn't very relevant to my project, and did not paint the kitchen--I opted for a trip to the Children's Museum with Bonaventure and TM instead. That was fun. I totally want to just play with all the toys and things myself, and having a toddler with you is a great pretext, since he does kind of need help playing with them.

Bonaventure's in the foreground, almost too little for his smock.

This week:

Writing: Work on the Big Hole in my chapter. I've read one article already; I need to work it into the chapter, and I'd like to read and work in two more articles this week, if I can.
Reading: Read a book for chapter 1. (I've started it; it's interesting and pertinent.) Type up notes.
Home: Clean the floors. (I was going to do this today, but I have a cold, so I won't. However, there's no way I was going to go another whole week without cleaning the floors, so this is kind of a nice freebie on my list.)
Fun and Self: Finish Fun Book; read a bit of Proust. Go to yoga.
Crafty: Finish the scarf I've been knitting.
Yard: Try to get in three hours of work on that infernal sidewalk.

First, though, I need to pick up the milk. Better get to it.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dream or Nightmare?


(This is an actual bookstore that I have actually been to. And no, I didn't buy anything. I think that I was just too overwhelmed--and a little bit afraid of toppling one of the piles.)

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Week Two

So I pretty much rocked my goals last week. Instead of 2,000 words, I wrote 3,000! I also got the car's windshield replaced (the rest of the car stuff actually needs to wait until it's due for an oil change in a couple of weeks), finished a research-related book, copied the theses, and submitted my article--5 goals accomplished! Plus, I vacuumed (twice), did a ridiculous amount of laundry (including cat-beds and hand-washables), found and purchased some acceptable bras, attended a wedding, and played with Bonaventure quite a lot. We got him a tricycle at a yard sale yesterday (it's pink and purple, with little streamers on the handlebars), so there's been a lot of watching him while he scoots down the sidewalk.

I'm tempted to ratchet things up this week, but I'm not going to do it--that's the quickest way to failure, as I know from long, long, LONG experience. Therefore, this week, these are my goals, by category:

  • Writing: Make sure that my argument is actually present in the chapter that I'm drafting, then do a once-over through the whole chapter to get a feel for where it's gone most seriously off the rails. (I'm almost at a point where, while I'll still need to write, I'll need to cut a lot, too, so I'm not going to worry about word count so much right now.)
  • Reading: Get through another research-related book. Finish my fun novel (might do that tonight, actually.)
  • House: If I'm up for it: Paint the breakfast room and basement stairs. I reserve the right to put this off, though.
  • Crafty: Finish binding Bonaventure's little book.
  • Exercise: One real, actual yoga session. (Maybe some little ones scattered in throughout the week, too.) (And I'll attend my usual class on Sunday, unless something intervenes.)
All right. That sounds good. Or it will tomorrow morning, when I'm sufficiently rested to contemplate work; it's been a rough few nights with Bonaventure. Here's hoping for some sleep.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Week One

So! No, I haven't actually deactivated this blog. Nor do I promise to write regularly in the future. But I had the idea early this morning (I think) to use it to keep myself organized with my eight million summer projects, and today was graduation, so here goes.

I--probably like many academics--get way too ambitious every summer. It's like I have this idea that, if I just finish all the projects, I can totally relax and not work anymore, ever. Clearly, that is not the case, especially since I'm constantly coming up with new projects (work- and leisure-related). I've been this way for a long time: When I was about twelve, in great excitement over the coming summer, I wrote out a detailed weekly schedule for myself, which included things like going to swim practice, playing video games, reading, and working on these puppet videos that my brother and I used to make. When I had finished it, I had a moment of blank despair: It was like summer was already over and it hadn't been any fun. I didn't look at the schedule again (and had a lovely summer).

However, I haven't learned my lesson. A partial, but not complete, list of my summer projects includes
  • fix everything that needs fixing (e.g. car windshield) and clean everything that needs cleaning, including the garage
  • put paving sand between all the bricks on our 60' brick sidewalk, which involves first digging out between all of said bricks (we've done about 10')
  • finish the chapter of Book 2 that I've been working on this semester
  • finish and submit two encyclopedia articles (these have deadlines, so they'll get done)
  • read for, outline, and roughly sort-of draft the Framework chapter of Book 2
  • 3 syllabi, including one totally new course (developmental comp)
  • the Year Two portion of Bonaventure's baby book
  • various knitting and bookmaking projects
  • make a lot of paper
  • finish A l'Ombre des jeunes filles en fleurs
 My plan, I think, is to think weekly. Maybe try for five things per week? Thus, for Week 1, here's what I'd like to do:

  1. take care of car stuff
  2. photocopy Honors theses (thus ending my 6-year term as director of the honors program)
  3. read 1 research-related book
  4. write 2000 words
  5. submit first encyclopedia article (due 5/15)
Also: Possibly try a new yoga class and do some of the work on that brick walk. (Like how I made five tasks into seven there?)

That seems...I don't know, doable? Right now, it's the brink of summer, and everything seems possible. On the other hand, I look at my list and I have that summer's-over feeling which is so terribly sad. I must remember the other goals: Spend time with TM and Bonaventure, read for fun, take naps, eat well, eat outside, visit friends and family!